Not chasing pussy again

Here it is not five days after filing our divorce papers and your making the rounds, I just cant get past you having A's number. This girl was childhood friends with our kids, shes barely 22. what does a 70 year old man and a 22 year old discuss? I wonder would she give you the time of day if it wasn't for $$$$$?,and calling Sh again. tsk tsk last we spoke of her you with a sneer on your face told me how completely uninterested you were in the likes of her. Gold diggers... like hookers but smarter. I cant wait for karma to kick your ass. Is it wrong to think that and will karma now come after me? After confronting the sicko he claims he took this umm "girl" to the finest french restaurant in town to discuss her living at the house and attending to his needs I mean looking after things, since he "is never going to be there" umm ok then why not have our own 21 yr old D stay with you instead of forcing her to move with me?? and smart move ...take her to a 150$ meal to work out the details riiiiiight.... lying bastard.Delusional.

D day.... filing anyway

I know I mentioned it somewhere (not sure where) that we filed the papers for divorce on 6/15/2012. Amazingly the first person he didn't call was S. Though he did call the 22 year old ,funny how history just repeats itself. 27 years ago I was the 18 year old he was calling while "separated" from his wife. Now that my heads clearing from the daze of brainwashing and childbearing, I am incredibly embarrassed at the B.S I put up with, I mean come on how could I miss so much? why did I convince myself that "oh its not reeaaaaaly like that right?" well yea it was and probably worse than what I even suspect and already know. I fully expect upon his passing something similiar to the series "brothers and sisters" where the dad dies and they find out he was nothing like the man they thought, he had a complete alter life ..wait what am I saying? I already know that narc (soon to be ex) has one, see there I go again giving him the benefit of a "maybe"....

Fight

Fight today: H:comes down AFTER we all are finished eating (impeccable timing?) after asking him if he wants to eat and him affirming he does, he says I think I will send son E to the boys ranch Like G and V's boy who was addicted to meth and robbing neighbors.. (a reform type ranch where teenage boys, usually drug addicts and thieves and other law breakers are either sent by law enforcement or by parents as a last resort.... I say "your joking right? You want to send a kid whose main flaw is he's lazy and lacks discipline to be with near felons? I said are you willing to attend the meetings and learn what they require of the parents of these children? (I know from long convos with Vickie what is required,meetings and counseling etc...) he says are YOU willing to do as your told ...I responded NO ...then paused getting ready to add to it but before I can he jumps in and says "that's the crux of HIS problem !!!! YOU won't do as YOUR told ...I said if you would let me finish I was going to say "not if it means I'm told to handle all the interactions and meetings like you did with son A when we started having problems with him in high school.. We've been there and done that I'm not doing that again. So I continue to heat his food and take it out to the outside table ... I hang around in case he needs something and he looks me in the eye and says I had a dream about you last night ... I say "oh? " ( while maintaining eye contact something I've worked hard at maintaining in the last few years DAMN intimidation!!! He says "it wasn't good" I say "well dreams usually are one or the other" not caring either way and also knowing that the way he looked away he most likely was lying about ANY dream so he says "I think your keeping secrets again" I say " oh really?" btw its something he often says after I've been out lol ...so I just sit there not saying anything and he says "so?" well we all know the only response when one is NOT going to confess to the secrets they in fact HAVE is "so what?" ... Lol He starts in about you've been secretive before ...blah blah blah ...and I say "well that happened in 2007 so your just going to have to get over it like I did your dalliance with sheri which to this day you still insist was like petting a dog. (what he told me at the time I confronted him.) so let's me say this second life was like petting a virtual dog ... Get over it. I then said I don't know how you can call me diabolical and then come and get me from my bed to service you sexually, you've told me how repulsive I am to you yet you will still have sex with me? So he interrupts and says "well you wouldn't stay afterwards would you?" I said "why would I? You've made it clear for 25 years that your not interested in touching or interaction afterwards You just want to talk at me after your satisfied !!! " we then had the same convo about wife number 2 and him being deceiving back then (he of course didn't admit anything) he said "everything I've done here has been for you!!! With you in mind and these children...and the fact that you can't tell me what's most important to me speaks volumes I said "oh really? Then tell me please at this late date what it meant when we had four young children and you spent the majority of your time at a pool hall? I was too dumb to realize what it meant back then ...I'm sorry I grew up and finally understand that not only does a persons words have meaning but their actions usually mean much more than what their mouth says !!!" he said you didn't grow up you lost your innocence and you've become hardened and uncaring you have no appreciation for all I've provided for you ...I said and you have no appreciation for what you had in me and what you squandered...and with that I went into the house ...ending the convo.

Haunted

Dear narc,

So I've been thinking about your affair with S oh I know you never admitted it and neither did she but I think that the evidence is pretty clear and I was a fool, I still occasionally envision what she did tell me...you pushing her up against her car kissing her and saying " don't you wonder what it's like to be touched by a real man"then fondling her breasts, five years later it still ticks me off, sometimes I even feel enraged about it, the absolute betrayal of you pursuing her and making her what you called " your confidant" then fucking with my head repeatedly by telling me how sick i am to even think ANY thing was going on still sickens me and is why I will never be your confidant, friend and lover ever again.

Acceptance

Dear both of us, I'm going to work on acceptance. I need to accept the fact that the absolute loathing I thought I've seen in your eyes the last 15 years actually was that. I remember so many times catching a glimpse of it and thinking "no..couldn't be" he loves me and appreciates the second lease on life I gave him way to much him to ever look at me like that. There are so many little signs that you truly as you said in an email once " grew to love me" which I now knows means you never felt for me what I felt for you , an undying nonjudgmental, unconditional love, I worshiped you, that's why we lasted so long... I felt enough for both of us. There are times now still when I try to convince myself that you really do care that you never were as callous as you seemed, but...how to deny facts ? People show their true selves by their actions,not just random grandiose actions, But by the day to day in and out actions, the respect and regard they give people, the consideration they give,the little things not the "here see how great i am" things you tend towards.. looking back other than the last five of the 25 years we've been together my recollections of myself were for the most part all that, i Sacrificed everything for you,my youth,my health and my sanity, while you acted like yor great sacrifice was marrying me.....now my recollections of you are much different though it is funny that I didn't mind for the most part back then, I excused it away, besides did I really deserve any better? Shall we start with our "honeymoon" well let's see we went south to the town that you really began your first marriage at, where your first child was born and essentially you began the great adventure of marriage and life at the age of 19, only this time you weren't 19, your bride was barely 18 and pregnant with your sixth child and her first. you were 43 and it was your third marriage. It was probably a good ten years later that it occurred to me "how odd" that we went where you began your first marriage for "our honeymoon" I was just so excited to be with you so willing to do whatever you wanted me to "willing" I think that pretty much sums up what I was for the majority of our marriage although for the first 20 yrs I was unwilling to try anal sex when you asked me to and more willing to try it in the last five...I really have changed...your right. We had been back oh a week? When you let me know that you would need to spend sometime with CJ,(your ex???)because "those kids needed you" that's odd because many months before when I asked you about your separation from her you acted like you really wanted as little to do with her as possible, but dare I say it ? I was "willing" after all you loved ME...right?

Relax don't do it.

Dear N, I need to relax and realize that yes I screwed up going online in 2007,(maybe? or maybe if i hadn't I would have been really stupid as depressed as i was at the time and i found a true friend that helped me tremedously,parts of what I did was wrong I knew it before, during, and after, I hope you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself one day as well. But see unlike you, I truly feel horrible for the things I said and did, I really am repentant, doesn't repentance mean never doing that thing again once you've repented? Yes I logged on once and I made plans to start playing again, but you know what I couldn't do it I didn't have the heart for it, I cared too much this time, I knew I had hurt you and couldn't do that again, so i stopped before I started and I know I never will again, you on the other hand continue to rip my heart out on a nearly daily basis, I try to bear it as sort of a penance for what I did, but damn my heart is really hurting lately and I mean that seriously .:(

flips the bird

You really are a bastard you know ? Take your fucking pretty niece with you on a trip! lol just try it....Fuck you we all know how you lust after those pretty women let's see after the one you groped and kissed FUCK YOU! ASSHOLE! Unlike me you never were repentant and this proves it! I hope you enjoy May... Fucker

Sickness

Dear sick narc,
I know you honestly and truly are sick but what bothers me is you expect me to mother you and take care of you while you continue to lie and manipulate, your sick so you would think you would take a break from all that as well, I mean why lie when I asked if you had gargled the salt water you:"yes" me:"all of it?" you: "yes" so when I go up to make your bed there sits the salt water, same level that it had been, so I said to you " so you lied about gargling the salt water huh? You: well I made some more when I came down.....another lie, I was there the whole time, you never made some and gargled. What I have realized is this if you can lie so easily, so smoothly,effortlessly and conscience free about something so trivial, why on earth should I believe ANYTHING that you have told me.so sad to realize you really have been lying for 25 years to me I was just too trusting to see it. additionally the next morning your yelling for me and E tells you she will get me for you, I come up and stick my head in and kindly ask " yes" trying to not get too close not wanting to get sick, you lay there not saying anything so I thought you had gone asleep but then you growl "i know you don't give a shit about me that's why your standing there instead of coming over here your trying to make me yell !", I stood there for a few minutes stunned then as I walked over I said " how dare you speak to me like that? You then tell me get the hell outa there(damn another missed packing my bags moment), at that point I called you an insane ass and you called me a bitch...you think it's ok for you to attack me verbally and say any thing that pops into your petty fucked up delusional brain ...yt it used to rip my heart out when you used to say things like that to me, when you would attack me and shame me for nothing I did, now it only makes me feel so very sorry for you that you cannot and have not ever appreciated the absolutely undying love and patience I once had for you, it saddens me as well that I am so weak,and so pathetic that one kind word from you and I'm willing to forget all, to forgive all....when will I learn???? i need my head examined.

Dear narc-hole,
                      Thank you for showing me the real you once again, gee how easily I forget the real you, that petty vitriolic man who on the slightest whim throws a hissy fit of words meant to hurt, I bet you were surprised when you came into the kitchen and knew I had heard you calling me "disgusting and stupid to boot" all over dust on the upstairs landing????(huh???)then you have the nerve once you realized I was home to launch into a tirade about how ungrateful and unappreciative I am and insinuate once again " I'm up to something" I'm glad you knew I had heard you and I'm glad for your little tirade that followed, I'm hiding things ?...yep I'm hiding this blog... The things you are and have hidden are too numerous to list...secret checking, secret lunches with "platonic women friends" secret businesses, the list goes on and on...sleeping with the estranged wife while you courted me ? Yup what a swell honest man you are.. Your word is your bond...unless it's inconvenient for you then your word is like yesterdays wind...yes I know you have some good qualities, but I have begun to wonder at how real or sincere they really are cause one day they are there then the next they are gone with the wind...and frankly my dear I've begun to not give a damn.

Late again.

Dear Narc, why do you do this? Pretend your doing something nice for me when it is really just for and because of you? Do you really think I didn't notice that you ate at 4:30 then suddenly had "things to do" yet you so kindly offered to take us out to dinner and you would "be back soon" 3 hours later is not soon ....yet you expect us to wait upon you yet again,I know you don't think I realize the only reason you offered was a: so that YOU had control over when WE eat B: you weren't hungry since you ate soup and bread you knew you wouldn't be hungery at our normal dinner time, so in offering to take us out you were free to do ... Whatever for three hours , poker ? Pool ? Secret girlfriend ? Oh btw I remember how when I was canning last summer you " treated " us to steaks" which meant in the muddle of canning you let me make a salad, potatoes, and vegetable,and you cooked the steaks for us.... Wow nice ... What would have been really nice is if you would have had ME slaughter the cow to get the steaks for our meal .....and to think some guys would have just taken us to a steakhouse ...phffft pansies... Rolls eyes