Acceptance

Dear both of us, I'm going to work on acceptance. I need to accept the fact that the absolute loathing I thought I've seen in your eyes the last 15 years actually was that. I remember so many times catching a glimpse of it and thinking "no..couldn't be" he loves me and appreciates the second lease on life I gave him way to much him to ever look at me like that. There are so many little signs that you truly as you said in an email once " grew to love me" which I now knows means you never felt for me what I felt for you , an undying nonjudgmental, unconditional love, I worshiped you, that's why we lasted so long... I felt enough for both of us. There are times now still when I try to convince myself that you really do care that you never were as callous as you seemed, but...how to deny facts ? People show their true selves by their actions,not just random grandiose actions, But by the day to day in and out actions, the respect and regard they give people, the consideration they give,the little things not the "here see how great i am" things you tend towards.. looking back other than the last five of the 25 years we've been together my recollections of myself were for the most part all that, i Sacrificed everything for you,my youth,my health and my sanity, while you acted like yor great sacrifice was marrying me.....now my recollections of you are much different though it is funny that I didn't mind for the most part back then, I excused it away, besides did I really deserve any better? Shall we start with our "honeymoon" well let's see we went south to the town that you really began your first marriage at, where your first child was born and essentially you began the great adventure of marriage and life at the age of 19, only this time you weren't 19, your bride was barely 18 and pregnant with your sixth child and her first. you were 43 and it was your third marriage. It was probably a good ten years later that it occurred to me "how odd" that we went where you began your first marriage for "our honeymoon" I was just so excited to be with you so willing to do whatever you wanted me to "willing" I think that pretty much sums up what I was for the majority of our marriage although for the first 20 yrs I was unwilling to try anal sex when you asked me to and more willing to try it in the last five...I really have changed...your right. We had been back oh a week? When you let me know that you would need to spend sometime with CJ,(your ex???)because "those kids needed you" that's odd because many months before when I asked you about your separation from her you acted like you really wanted as little to do with her as possible, but dare I say it ? I was "willing" after all you loved ME...right?

Relax don't do it.

Dear N, I need to relax and realize that yes I screwed up going online in 2007,(maybe? or maybe if i hadn't I would have been really stupid as depressed as i was at the time and i found a true friend that helped me tremedously,parts of what I did was wrong I knew it before, during, and after, I hope you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself one day as well. But see unlike you, I truly feel horrible for the things I said and did, I really am repentant, doesn't repentance mean never doing that thing again once you've repented? Yes I logged on once and I made plans to start playing again, but you know what I couldn't do it I didn't have the heart for it, I cared too much this time, I knew I had hurt you and couldn't do that again, so i stopped before I started and I know I never will again, you on the other hand continue to rip my heart out on a nearly daily basis, I try to bear it as sort of a penance for what I did, but damn my heart is really hurting lately and I mean that seriously .:(

flips the bird

You really are a bastard you know ? Take your fucking pretty niece with you on a trip! lol just try it....Fuck you we all know how you lust after those pretty women let's see after the one you groped and kissed FUCK YOU! ASSHOLE! Unlike me you never were repentant and this proves it! I hope you enjoy May... Fucker

Sickness

Dear sick narc,
I know you honestly and truly are sick but what bothers me is you expect me to mother you and take care of you while you continue to lie and manipulate, your sick so you would think you would take a break from all that as well, I mean why lie when I asked if you had gargled the salt water you:"yes" me:"all of it?" you: "yes" so when I go up to make your bed there sits the salt water, same level that it had been, so I said to you " so you lied about gargling the salt water huh? You: well I made some more when I came down.....another lie, I was there the whole time, you never made some and gargled. What I have realized is this if you can lie so easily, so smoothly,effortlessly and conscience free about something so trivial, why on earth should I believe ANYTHING that you have told me.so sad to realize you really have been lying for 25 years to me I was just too trusting to see it. additionally the next morning your yelling for me and E tells you she will get me for you, I come up and stick my head in and kindly ask " yes" trying to not get too close not wanting to get sick, you lay there not saying anything so I thought you had gone asleep but then you growl "i know you don't give a shit about me that's why your standing there instead of coming over here your trying to make me yell !", I stood there for a few minutes stunned then as I walked over I said " how dare you speak to me like that? You then tell me get the hell outa there(damn another missed packing my bags moment), at that point I called you an insane ass and you called me a bitch...you think it's ok for you to attack me verbally and say any thing that pops into your petty fucked up delusional brain ...yt it used to rip my heart out when you used to say things like that to me, when you would attack me and shame me for nothing I did, now it only makes me feel so very sorry for you that you cannot and have not ever appreciated the absolutely undying love and patience I once had for you, it saddens me as well that I am so weak,and so pathetic that one kind word from you and I'm willing to forget all, to forgive all....when will I learn???? i need my head examined.