Acceptance

Dear both of us, I'm going to work on acceptance. I need to accept the fact that the absolute loathing I thought I've seen in your eyes the last 15 years actually was that. I remember so many times catching a glimpse of it and thinking "no..couldn't be" he loves me and appreciates the second lease on life I gave him way to much him to ever look at me like that. There are so many little signs that you truly as you said in an email once " grew to love me" which I now knows means you never felt for me what I felt for you , an undying nonjudgmental, unconditional love, I worshiped you, that's why we lasted so long... I felt enough for both of us. There are times now still when I try to convince myself that you really do care that you never were as callous as you seemed, but...how to deny facts ? People show their true selves by their actions,not just random grandiose actions, But by the day to day in and out actions, the respect and regard they give people, the consideration they give,the little things not the "here see how great i am" things you tend towards.. looking back other than the last five of the 25 years we've been together my recollections of myself were for the most part all that, i Sacrificed everything for you,my youth,my health and my sanity, while you acted like yor great sacrifice was marrying me.....now my recollections of you are much different though it is funny that I didn't mind for the most part back then, I excused it away, besides did I really deserve any better? Shall we start with our "honeymoon" well let's see we went south to the town that you really began your first marriage at, where your first child was born and essentially you began the great adventure of marriage and life at the age of 19, only this time you weren't 19, your bride was barely 18 and pregnant with your sixth child and her first. you were 43 and it was your third marriage. It was probably a good ten years later that it occurred to me "how odd" that we went where you began your first marriage for "our honeymoon" I was just so excited to be with you so willing to do whatever you wanted me to "willing" I think that pretty much sums up what I was for the majority of our marriage although for the first 20 yrs I was unwilling to try anal sex when you asked me to and more willing to try it in the last five...I really have changed...your right. We had been back oh a week? When you let me know that you would need to spend sometime with CJ,(your ex???)because "those kids needed you" that's odd because many months before when I asked you about your separation from her you acted like you really wanted as little to do with her as possible, but dare I say it ? I was "willing" after all you loved ME...right?